In a therapeutic relationship, therapists are - on paper - the ones who talk the least in a counselling conversation. Our role is to be an excellent, invested, actively listening conversation partner. It is our responsibility to notice the vocal inflexion of our client, to hear the unsaid, to absorb the story that we are hearing, and to aid the client in processing and perhaps seeking change.

One of the tools that some therapists will use - particularly with clients with whom the rapport is strong - is self-disclosure, the act of sharing some of their own story, experience, or learning with the client.

A dirty word

I recall when new to the world of therapy, that we trainee-counsellors were warned off even the slightest glimpse of self-disclosure. It was deemed forbidden - a powerful tool only to be used in the most wisened and capable hands. It felt uncomfortable to think that something as easy to do as mentioning a shared experience could derail someone's therapy completely.

Thankfully, now with so much experience and many years of full-time private practice under my belt, I feel as though I have learned how to wield this interjection of self with skill. My lecturers were right. It is a powerful tool, and not to be used in anything but the interest of the client; however, we are talking about a conversation here, yes, a therapeutic one, but also a (hopefully) flowing, authentic, natural exchange of information between people. The choice to self-disclose is not a binary one, and we can absolutely seek the approval of the client in doing so, but over time, I believe that we therapists become more accustomed to understanding what it is about the self that makes therapy work best.

The therapist matters too

I think too many therapists are encouraged to lose themselves in deference to the client in therapy, especially early on. This is not to say that the client is not and should not be the focus of the therapy, but if we diminish ourselves as service providers and trusted confidantes to the point where we are only repeating theory and offering psychoeducation, then I think we run the risk of largely missing the point of therapy.

To remember what we - as a person, not just a membership body subscription number - bring to the session, is vitally important. It is important for the esteem of the therapist, for the humanising of the therapist for the client, and I feel that it is an important element in the service of offering (a professional version) of one’s authentic self in a counselling relationship.

I believe that there is space for everyone in the therapy room

I’m in no way suggesting that we should go into sessions with our clients telling them our worries or deepest-darkest-secrets, but there absolutely is space to be a real person, meeting another real person, and to offer our professional support in humility and honesty. The version of myself that I am proud to bring to my sessions is a whole, flawed, past-having human, and in the right moment, with the right client, and the right set of circumstances I think that self-disclosure is absolutely a valid tool for healing, and one that therapists should be trained to use wisely and appropriately rather than shut down and shooed away from.

If I think about my own experience as a therapy client, the therapists that I have had who shared snippets of useful anecdotes and experiences with me, were infinitely more human and rapport building than those that did not, and I have worked with a range of experience in my own therapist library - from those at the beginning of their careers through to my work as a client of Dr Irvin Yalom (as you will no doubt know from his books, he too believes in a certain amount of self-disclosure). And so I am convinced that we can use both our experience as clients, alongside our experiences as psychotherapists and counsellors, to inform our own ethos in the use of this tool.

With great power comes great responsibility

So, counsellor, I present to you another element to keep in mind when reaching into your toolbox in your efforts to support your clients in their process. A tool not to be feared, but to be seriously considered.

One of my earliest - and hugely positively impactful -therapists used to close her self-disclosures with “...and I’m telling you this because...” which I liked very much at the time. - It’s not a phrase that I have gone on to use myself - I find my own working process to feel more organic, but it is a nice way to reassure a client that the inclusion of some kind of self-disclosure in a session has been, and always should be, in the service of their work.

Perhaps this is something that you might consider bringing to your work with clients? If it is, do let me know in the comments.
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Similarly, if you have had a negative experience around self-disclosure, either as a therapist or as a client, I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

I think it is good practice for therapists to occasionally do a little self-examination about why their clients might be choosing them.

It seems to me that many of the people I work with are looking for someone with whom they can be authentic. Having to hold ourselves in a way that is unnatural or performative when we are trying to be simultaneously vulnerable and self-reflective seems, frankly, like too much hard work to me. Not to mention, it is likely counterproductive to the therapeutic process. So, in thinking about what it is that permits a person to embody those things that I believe are conducive to good therapy, I was wondering what it might be about me that makes that possible.

This is not a self-congratulatory post, much as it may seem so until now! But rather, an examination of a specific element of therapy that makes the whole thing “click”. We talk a lot about “clicking” in therapy - clicking with the therapist, with their approach, with their personality, but what about their language?

Is language a barrier to therapy?

I would argue, yes, it can be.

I have experienced my own personal therapy in both my native language, English, and in my second language, French. I feel very fortunate to have been able to access both flavours of this counselling, and I recall how much harder it was for me to find someone that I could click with now that I no longer live in the UK.

But would my experience have been or felt different with an anglophone therapist?

Yes, I think it would have.

Because, for all my abilities in French, there are some thoughts, feelings, or memories that I personally feel might have been easier to describe and communicate had it not been for the parsing of that information through the filter of my second language.

I recall the (self-imposed) stress that I felt in the moment when talking about my experience of a complicated pregnancy and difficult family dynamics, and how I - even now, years later - sometimes catch myself cringeing at the use of the wrong word in a vulnerable and sensitive moment. I remember feeling totally derailed in what I was trying to say, because it resulted in primarily feeling embarrassed by my linguistic gaffe.

So when I look at what I offer to my clients, I think one of those elements is the fact that I can offer the fact that I, too, am a foreigner, living in a place where they were not born, living in a culture that is not the one that they grew up in. I have also faced the struggles of being an immigrant, and I can connect with these people in their first language.

They can describe to me their difficulties, their frustrations, their sadness, and even their fears, without having to do the work of translating their stories, or having concerns that they are not going to understand what is being said to them in a relationship where there is an inherent imbalance of power.

Even for those coming to therapy for the first time (and we all have to be new to it once!), it can be a relief to know that one of the things that can take off their list of worries about beginning counselling is concern about communication - and I’m so pleased to be able to offer that. That peace is valuable. And it's one of the many reasons that I do the work that I do.

So if you are considering counselling, and are - like me - an immigrant looking for someone who can understand the context of their situation, of the burdens of cultural assimilation and adapting to a new place, then know that you can be supported, heard, and easily communicate with me, an English-speaking counsellor and therapist living in the EU.

Book a free 30-minute introductory session here.

I look forward to speaking with you.