Therapist self-disclosure - a helpful tool or an indulgent hindrance?

Photo by Panos Sakalakis on Unsplash

In a therapeutic relationship, therapists are - on paper - the ones who talk the least in a counselling conversation. Our role is to be an excellent, invested, actively listening conversation partner. It is our responsibility to notice the vocal inflexion of our client, to hear the unsaid, to absorb the story that we are hearing, and to aid the client in processing and perhaps seeking change.

One of the tools that some therapists will use - particularly with clients with whom the rapport is strong - is self-disclosure, the act of sharing some of their own story, experience, or learning with the client.

A dirty word

I recall when new to the world of therapy, that we trainee-counsellors were warned off even the slightest glimpse of self-disclosure. It was deemed forbidden - a powerful tool only to be used in the most wisened and capable hands. It felt uncomfortable to think that something as easy to do as mentioning a shared experience could derail someone's therapy completely.

Thankfully, now with so much experience and many years of full-time private practice under my belt, I feel as though I have learned how to wield this interjection of self with skill. My lecturers were right. It is a powerful tool, and not to be used in anything but the interest of the client; however, we are talking about a conversation here, yes, a therapeutic one, but also a (hopefully) flowing, authentic, natural exchange of information between people. The choice to self-disclose is not a binary one, and we can absolutely seek the approval of the client in doing so, but over time, I believe that we therapists become more accustomed to understanding what it is about the self that makes therapy work best.

The therapist matters too

I think too many therapists are encouraged to lose themselves in deference to the client in therapy, especially early on. This is not to say that the client is not and should not be the focus of the therapy, but if we diminish ourselves as service providers and trusted confidantes to the point where we are only repeating theory and offering psychoeducation, then I think we run the risk of largely missing the point of therapy.

To remember what we - as a person, not just a membership body subscription number - bring to the session, is vitally important. It is important for the esteem of the therapist, for the humanising of the therapist for the client, and I feel that it is an important element in the service of offering (a professional version) of one’s authentic self in a counselling relationship.

I believe that there is space for everyone in the therapy room

I’m in no way suggesting that we should go into sessions with our clients telling them our worries or deepest-darkest-secrets, but there absolutely is space to be a real person, meeting another real person, and to offer our professional support in humility and honesty. The version of myself that I am proud to bring to my sessions is a whole, flawed, past-having human, and in the right moment, with the right client, and the right set of circumstances I think that self-disclosure is absolutely a valid tool for healing, and one that therapists should be trained to use wisely and appropriately rather than shut down and shooed away from.

If I think about my own experience as a therapy client, the therapists that I have had who shared snippets of useful anecdotes and experiences with me, were infinitely more human and rapport building than those that did not, and I have worked with a range of experience in my own therapist library - from those at the beginning of their careers through to my work as a client of Dr Irvin Yalom (as you will no doubt know from his books, he too believes in a certain amount of self-disclosure). And so I am convinced that we can use both our experience as clients, alongside our experiences as psychotherapists and counsellors, to inform our own ethos in the use of this tool.

With great power comes great responsibility

So, counsellor, I present to you another element to keep in mind when reaching into your toolbox in your efforts to support your clients in their process. A tool not to be feared, but to be seriously considered.

One of my earliest - and hugely positively impactful -therapists used to close her self-disclosures with “...and I’m telling you this because...” which I liked very much at the time. - It’s not a phrase that I have gone on to use myself - I find my own working process to feel more organic, but it is a nice way to reassure a client that the inclusion of some kind of self-disclosure in a session has been, and always should be, in the service of their work.

Perhaps this is something that you might consider bringing to your work with clients? If it is, do let me know in the comments.
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Similarly, if you have had a negative experience around self-disclosure, either as a therapist or as a client, I would be interested to hear your thoughts.