The toll of Christmas on expats, immigrants and those living away from their country of origin

Photo by Nathan Lemon on Unsplash

Being a foreigner

For those of us who have made the change of living in a country which is not the one in which we were born or grew up,  we recognise that there are thousands of elements of assimilation and adaptation that one must go through to make it in a new culture with new people and circumstances.

Many times, I’m fortunate to be able to say, as in my own situation, this change is the result of a positive choice made to improve quality of life, take an opportunity or fulfil a long-held dream. In 2018, I decided to move my entire life and work to France to move away from what I found to be the stresses of city-living (that I once loved) and a change in political atmosphere in the United Kingdom. And whilst my little corner of rural France is not perfect, I like to think that I am making the most of my decision and enjoying it more than I would enjoy living where and how I used to.

Choosing a different life

Since that date, I’ve met many people who made the same kind of choice as me at different times in their lives. They left their mother-country to try something new, to take up a job, to raise their family differently, or simply to embark upon an adventure, thinking that they will probably one day return “home”, but for now at least, they are enjoying the challenges presented to them.

However, one of the most difficult challenges that those who live away from their friends and family can face is the idea of spending Christmas, New Year’s Eve or another end-of-year celebration far away from the ones that they love.

Christmas can make us question everything

I read post after post of those who find themselves pensive and unclear as to whether the pull to be back with loved ones at Christmas is the sign that they should abandon their changed lifestyle and return to their country of origin. And I get it, it is hard to be away from the familiarities and traditions of our country of origin.

Whenever I have returned to the UK to visit friends or family, I have felt a similar thing. The convenience of having the people that I love and yet rarely have the opportunity to see, so close at hand, has felt wonderful. The busyness and bustle of the UK is a very stark contrast to the slow rural pace of where I now live in la France profonde, and so it’s a pretty heady feeling to be back in an environment where you can order pretty much anything for delivery to your home from the convenience of an app, at almost no cost, when even takeaway or supermarket home delivery doesn't exist where I live.

The combination of familiarity, sentimentality and convenience is a very tempting offer if we are exposed to them early on in our experience of being an immigrant, and I can well see why some of those people I have met and read the forum posts of are angsting about whether or not they should just pack up and go back.

When we decide to return home

Unfortunately, two of the dearest friends that I have made since moving here are in the position of selling their beautiful French home and returning to the UK, not just for sentimentality's sake, but also for work and fulfilment. I both support and grieve their departure equally. And it's not just them, the going rate for immigrants returning to their country of origin, anecdotally, seems to peak at around three years post arrival - once the honeymoon phase of a new life in a new culture wears off (and it definitely does) and the realities of the banality, or even increased difficulty, of beauraucracy in the new country sets in.

So when I meet people in therapy who have the same question, they are often checking in with me as a professional to talk through their decision before committing to go (or stay). Happily, I consider myself well-placed to empathise with this difficult situation, and endeavour to offer a holistic approach as to how to answer the question of “I miss my friends and family terribly, especially at Christmas - should I leave France and go back home?”

My free prompts to help you interrogate your urge to go back

In case you should find yourself asking the same kind of question, allow me to offer you some of the suggestions that I might make if we were to have a conversation on this topic:

• What were your reasons for leaving your country of origin? Have circumstances there changed since you left?
• What are the top two things that you are missing from your home country? Are you able to reasonably create a new version of this where you live now? Have you tried?
• What kind of frequency of contact do you have with those that you are missing at Christmas? Would you like a greater frequency of video calls or trips back to visit?
• How much time have you spent there since you left? Short weekend trips can feel like a gleeful toe-dip back into a familiar and exciting life, but consistent time - weeks, for example - might give a more accurate sense of what everyday life there is like now.
• Remember that if you have been gone for a substantial length of time, then both people and places will have moved on somewhat. Friends and family will be able to prioritise you when visiting on short trips, but when everyone is in the regular flow of their lives, contact will probably be less intense, as it must be. Would that be okay for you?
• How much have you integrated into life in your new country? Are there any things that you would like to try but that you have been holding off doing? Perhaps trying them before you make a decision would help you to know more firmly whether or not there is room for improvement in your current situation.

Pushing back against feeling like we’ve failed

It can feel like there is a stigma around changing our minds, or that going back on a decision is something that we should be ashamed of, and I would like to offer that this is, in fact, nonsense.

If you want to go and are in a position to do so, then I say go! Don’t apologise for it, try not to consider it a failure (I certainly wouldn’t!), and I would encourage you not to feel shame about the idea of saying no to something that you once thought you wanted. It’s okay to change our minds, it’s okay to want something different, and it’s okay to say, “I tried this, and it didn’t bring me as much happiness as I had hoped, so I’m going to try something else”.

If someone tries to make you feel bad for your decision, then I would be inclined to think that there is more going on in their response than perhaps meets the ear, or that perhaps they are simply unkind! Good friends will only ever want the best for us, and if that is making a change that differs from our own choices, then so be it. If their concerns come from a compassionate place, then we will be able to thank them for their care, but reassure them that we have come to the right decision for us for now.

Talk to Someone about it

If you find yourself in this position, I would urge you not to stew on these feelings and ruminate in shame or angst in the period of the year when we usually need the most connection and support to help us through the darker, colder months. Instead, speak to a trusted friend, seek out someone who has done the same or who has talked about their own challenges. Find a therapist or even a trusted group with whom you can share your thoughts, and above all, don’t be alone. Christmas and New Year are often already laden with complex feelings; this one need not bring further distress.