Managing family estrangement and boundaries through the end-of-year period

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

I work with several people who have chosen to remove themselves from certain family members' lives. This decision has been unilaterally something that these people have considered deeply for long periods of time before doing so, and they have all reported overall improvement in their lives for having done so with these particular people.

After the separation has been in place for a while, this relationship management might require perhaps minimal ongoing maintenance (blocking contact efforts, managing security settings on social media posts, rebuffing phone calls or texts for example), however I have noticed that in almost all cases, these usually strong boundaries that give these clients so much freedom, peace and clarity, can become burdensome and complex as the end of the year approaches.

Setting boundaries in our modern world

Setting a boundary is something that is often talked about in a throwaway fashion these days. I am very glad that we are all talking about managing our relationships and the energy that we put into them, but I am also mindful that the way that we talk about boundaries can sometimes be confusing. It’s a really useful tool for managing our wellbeing around others who can be challenging, but I’m not convinced that what we often see described as “setting boundaries” is really that.

What it is and how to do it

A boundary is a statement that we say to ourselves, and may even share with another person, that describes what we will do in the event of a certain behaviour or communication.

An example of this might be to say “Dad, I don’t feel comfortably talking about my marriage breakup right now. If you ask me about it when I come home for Christmas, then I’m not going to talk about it” or “Mum, I don’t want how my body looks to be a topic of conversation between us anymore. If you mention my body size or shape when I come to see you for New Year, then I will leave the party”. It might even be something like “You’re my sister and I love you, but I do not want to get into politics when we see each other this year. If it happens, I’m not going to engage with it”.

That is to say, boundaries are kind. We let people know that we do not wish to participate in something - a conversation, for example, or maybe an action - and that if they go on to engage with us in the way that we have described, then the consequence will be x. We have given them a structure that tells them that we find something too distressing to engage with, and that we won’t be part of it.

What boundary setting isn’t

It is very important for me to highlight that boundary setting is not about setting rules for other people. Boundary setting is about recognising that most of us have enough agency in the world to behave and speak as we please. It is not for us to demand that someone not talk about a certain topic to us, or ask us a rude or hurtful question. That is control, not boundaries, and it is neither reasonable nor kind to put them on others. It usually sets them up for failure, and it takes the power over the situation away from us.

What boundaries can do for us?

Instead, making these statements - expressed or otherwise - puts us in the position of saying, I cannot control other people, but I can control what I do and how I react, and if they do something that I have told them hurts me, then I will remove myself from the situation. I take care of myself.

Family estrangement as a final straw

Removing family members from our lives usually happens after repeated efforts to maintain a boundary with someone have failed. They either do not care that they hurt us or they are intentionally hurting us. Either way, many individuals find that this kind of repeated distress is just part of a bigger picture as to why they come to the decision to remove an individual from their life. The problem with this, as we approach the end of the year, is that the cultural and societal expectations and assumptions that many people hold over others are that they will joyously and willingly be reuniting with loved ones and those to whom they are related over the end-of-year festivities. We can hardly escape advertising and entertainment based around the idea of the sanctity of family and how integral it is to our happiness, particularly at the end of the year.

Let's say no to forced closeness

I want to push back on these assumptions that my clients report to be so painful. I want us all to try to be a little more tactful in the way that we engage with those who have complicated, nuanced, and usually painful family estrangement stories.
That said, we cannot know what we don’t know, and as someone who has experienced the estrangement of a family member, I know that I would not have minded that someone might initially assume a positive relationship with someone with whom I did not share it. However, once explained, I would expect them to be tactful and thoughtful about the way they might explore that information, and afford me the space not to engage with the topic if preferred.

Your family estrangement experience

If you find family estrangement to be difficult at the end of the year, then know that you are not alone. That this is a time of increased social assumptions, cultural expectations, and commercial sentimentality, and that most people realise that the decision to sever ties with someone to whom we are related is a significant and serious decision that deserves respect and consideration.

If you struggle with your feelings around this topic, please do feel free to contact me and arrange a session to discuss further. These are circumstances in which I have a great deal of experience and empathy for, and I hope to be able to offer my support to those who experience it in a useful way.