How parenting causes us to reexamine our own childhoods - whether we want to or not

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

The price of becoming a parent

A few years ago, I became a parent, and whilst I would consider my life pretty thoroughly examined through many rounds of my own personal counselling and psychotherapy, I have been incredibly surprised by just how much material has resurfaced now that I am responsible for the well-being of another human.

Recently, my son has started to go through a period of anxiety about the world - he is understanding that he and I can physically be separated (typical separation anxiety for his developmental age), and he is also becoming very aware of the world around him. He hears noises and asks me urgently what they are. “What’s that noise, Mummy?” is a very common phrase in my life at the moment.

On top of this, he is beginning to have nightmares and even night terrors when overtired. It’s horrible to witness, and I can relate very strongly to my own memories of being a fearful and anxious child. These present-day struggles led me to question my own mother as to whether she remembered me being an anxious or frightened child, to which she replied simply “no”.

This was not my experience.

Parental misattunement

I remember numerous moments where I felt real fear and terror as a child. I was terrified of the dark. I was frightened of something grabbing my feet if I let them stick out from under the duvet cover on my bed. I was scared of the parts of our house that were in poor repair and feared they might collapse. I was absolutely terrorised by the idea that burglars would break into our home, surely in part due to the popular crime programmes that my parents would watch in the evening.

I therefore find it hard to reconcile my mother’s response to my question with my still very palpable memories of those fears, and whilst I no longer fear any of those things, I can empathise with my son’s worries, and I’m mindful to take them seriously in a way that I was not.

I was not provided with a nightlight. My worries about burglars were - perhaps understandably - given little consideration, but I have to wonder - particularly when I now see how distressed my son is when his imagination gets the better of him - what might my own experience of anxiety as an adult have been like if I had been offered more security and safety early in life?

Reexamining our childhoods in light of those of our own children

These reexaminations of what appear to be the more benign aspects of our childhoods surface when we are confronted by the real-time experiences of our children. It is almost impossible not to recall or feel some of our childhood memories, triggers, traumas, or processes when our small people present their needs to us, particularly if those same needs were not met in our childhoods.

These questions pop up for many of the other parents that I know, and whole swathes of online groups and forums exist where people try to process their reemerging emotional pain as they try to manage the issues of their child.  If this is something that you can relate to, then I would encourage you to consider looking deeper at these recurring questions, dreams, feelings, or thoughts.

Whilst accessing counselling whilst parenting might not seem like ideal timing, I believe that the moment where our own thoughts and feelings are being stirred is a great time to reconsider our old wounds and establish whether the way that we have healed (or not!) allows us to be the kind of parent that we can be proud of offering our children, and I for one am deep diving back into some early work to answer some pertinent questions.
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It’s an opportunity for growth that is too good to miss, and I hope that you will have the space to take care of yourself in the same way.